Up

Synopsis: It’s Pixar.

Pixar’s past ten flicks have generated more revenue than the Bond movies combined. Granted, that doesn’t account for inflation but that’s all the Bond movies from Dr. No(1962) to Quantum of Solace(2008). Toy Story has been the only film of theirs to generate sequels while the rest have been stand alone features. Despite being owned by Disney, they seem to have rejected the make-a-good-movie-cash-in-on-sequels model (Snow White 2, what the hell?) and while I wouldn’t mind seeing The Incredibles 2 it gives as such fantastic stories as Up.

I walk a fine line in this review. The trailer for Up doesn’t do it justice. I admit I saw this on the merits of Pixar alone and not out of an interest for an old man and his floating house. One of the greatest joys of the film, however, was not knowing what to expect. Like the protagonists of the flick, we sail into the unknown with them and wonder at what we find. So for your own sake I must be vague.

Like many of Pixar’s films, Up has surprising adult themes. Mr. Fredrickson is a childless widower who misses his wife, his little house has become surrounded by urban sprawl, and society treats him like an inferior. Russel is a “wilderness explorer” whose merit badges look eerily familiar and whose father is no where to be seen. When asked why he calls his mother by her first name, he responds that “Phyllis isn’t my mom.” People die, good and bad. Yet I saw this in a theater full of children and they loved it. The movie has charm; you very quickly come to love the good guys and hate the bad guys. There’s scenes reminiscent of old adventure films like Journey to the Center of the Earth and Planet of the Apes. It’s funny. My wife and I laughed with the theater children at Dug the Dog and the Monster of Paradise Falls.

So what is it? Why are these films so fantastic?

It’s the story.

The CG worlds certainly aren’t fairy tales--toys get cooked on BBQ’s, spouses die, families fight--but the morals of those stories are still applicable. Be brave. Be kind. Be humble. Protect the weak. Respect your elders. Pixar takes these principles and places them in a movie that isn’t made of syrup where pixies bring you environmentally friendly toilet paper. Rarely does a movie capture so many nuances or characterize our every day experiences so well only to then make it meaningful. Up does this with the skill of an artisan.

Terminator Salvation

Synopsis: There's robots. Stuff blows up.

Bland.

Which is strange.

All the parts were there.

As of this writing, Night at the Museum 2 sits at top box office while Terminator Salvation opens in second place with only 43 Million. Do I wish it opened up on top? Of course. Does it deserve its spot behind another stilted Ben Stiller comedy? Probably.

Directing the first Terminator “without” Arnold (he does make a brief rubbery appearance) McG pulls in fantastic star power only to promptly lose them in the background. Newcomer Sam Worthington plays, perhaps intentionally, the only human character in the whole film. Beyond humans being more flesh colored and the machines looking like nonstick cookware, their dogged hatred and mutual desire for the eradication of the other makes them most indistinguishable.

The chase scenes are good. There are explosions. Some explosions involve giant robots. There are lots of nods to all the previous films: some too obvious while others more subtle bones handed under the table. So why isn’t it good? Well, it isn’t bad actually. As a sci-fi action flick it delivers the goods. But that’s all it is. It’s far too safe. The movie was cut down to a PG-13 rating (all previous were R) but comes across as PG. There’s no squirm scenes: the Cylons making human hybrids in made-for-TV Battlestar Galactica made me more uncomfortable. Arnold rips the skin off his own arm and has bullets pulled from his back with needle nose pliers in T2. Marcus just gets really beat up. I’m not one for blood and guts, but machines standing around looking intimidating is not good story telling. The characters are flat. We know these people can act if given a chance. Instead Bryce Dallas Howard hangs out looking pregnant and 4 time Oscar nominee Jane Alexander delivers a total of two lines before getting snatched by a harvester. Why is Bryce pregnant? Is she ever threatened and John Connor has to save her and his unborn child? Nope. Why is Common even in this movie? I have no idea.

So why do I wish it did better? Like I said, the parts are there. The special effects, the star power, the story potential. Bale signed on for a trilogy. A real writer could push the next film into the realm of fantastic. Unfortunately we may never see the messianic culmination of John Connor if the series is lamed right out of the gate.

I have already had to watch my beloved Star Wars turn into little more than a cash cow for Hasbro while Indiana Jones fights off aliens (aliens!).

Please don’t do the same to my Terminators.

Quarantine

Synopsis: rabies, old hotels, and Jennifer Carpenter freaking out.

So someone finally did the obvious. They took the handheld camera from the Blair Witch kids and pointed it at some zombies. I love zombies. In fact this review needs a

DISCLAIMER: TD loves zombies.

George Romero, unlike the other George, can keep right on remaking his movies and I’ll keep watching them. That said, this movie has nothing to do with Romero other than zombies. Well not even that actually.

Technically, a highly virulent form of rabies breaks out in a very old hotel (old = very few exits). So while not undead, the bitten occupants turn into unstoppable maniacs with a lust for human flesh, incapable of vocalizing beyond a raspy moan, and who can only be stopped by severe blows to the head. Rabid zombies. Nothing particularly new here, just something of a cross between The Dawn of the Dead remake’s fast zombies and 28 Days Later’s Rage virus (was that rabies too?). The end product being they can withstand inhuman amounts of damage and want to eat you.

The single camera “discovered footage” aspect is terrifying and restricting. It forces the movie to go with classic horror roots, ala good makeup and lighting, and very little of what makes movies modern: craptastic CG. It also puts you very literally in the middle of a zombie situation like no other cinematography can. A long hallway with open doors is really scary when you can only see it through the narrow viewpoint of a single lens. Beating a zombie to death with your camera, a camera with an audience inside it, while it’s clawing at your ankles is intimately horrifying.

Now combine this with acting beyond your typical horror flick and you have a claustrophobic winner. Jennifer Carpenter is really good at looking scared, even when she isn’t possessed by Beelzebub. The long single shots must have been taxing on the actors. At one point she hyperventilates for so long you genuinely worry for her.

So if you like scary movies as a stress reliever, don’t mind classic jump scenes, and want to wash your hands every five minutes for the rest of the night, I very much recommend Quarantine over watching Saw: Eleventy-Billion. If you're not much of a zombie fan (you heathen!), this probably isn’t for you as it really isn’t much beyond a good horror flick. So in theater for you my children, and matinee for the unwashed masses.

Death Race

Synopsis: Jason Statham is an innocent man in prison, convicts get run over, there's an odd amount of gay references.

When I was a kid, I used to ride my bike down to the local Blockbuster so I could play on a new fangled console called the Playstation. Considering that I am no longer a child (physically), am married, and my associates have a Playstation 3 sitting on their carpet, it’s safe to say this was a while ago. My favorite game on this big gray box of joy, my favorite because it was the only one Blockbuster had, was Twisted Metal. Merrily would I ram, machine gun, detonate, and crush my enemies in their modified vehicles of death. It was a destruction derby worthy of Mad Max, which influenced the game's art direction heavily. Now from this ancient game of yore, step back even further to 1992: Super Mario Kart is released for the SNES and sells 8 million copies. This cute little race game allowed the lovable Mario and compadres to race each other in go-carts, armed with such things as neon-colored turtle shells and banana peels to give them the racing edge. And finally, we are pulled back more than a decade. It is 1981, I’m still random atoms, Mel Gibson has some serious hair and looks good in leather jackets, Mad Max 2: Road Warrior is released, the future dystopian landscape involving cars is born. And it was good (It gave us Twisted Metal right? Circle of Life kinda thing).

So why this stroll down memory lane? Is it because I missed being a Gen X’er by seven months and must justify my childhood? I’m not bitter. Those lazy slobs can have their stupid generation. No I write this so you may understand the mentality behind Death Race: it’s an amalgam of aforementioned video games and Mel Gibson’s leather jacket. The movie is simply a “race” (although I’m not sure how important winning is over just killing everybody else) in Mad Maxian armored vehicles with power-ups, yes power-ups, placed on the track. Drive over a sword emblem and you can shoot people. Drive over a shield and you can spurt oil at your foes, not as cutesy as a banana peel but this is a more mature movie. And that’s it. There’s some jammed sideways plot device about prisons being privately owned and run for profit (our hero is innocent of course). Frankly, if I had thousands of bodies available for free labor, I’d force them to work in my textile mill rather than have a select few run each other over on pay-per-view. It could even have a cool name like “Death Factory.” I could probably pitch it to Uwe Boll.

Now that I got that out of my system, I should qualify a little bit. I did have fun. I saw it with friends and we could laugh together at some of the more outrageous bits. It’s enjoyable like watching your friend play a video game is enjoyable. Stuff blows up, hero gets revenge, there’s even a cool fight scene or two. I’ve had a soft spot for Jason Statham since Snatch and Mean Machine and hope he can come out of his recent movie funk. How many short, muscled, British martial artists do you know? Guy Ritchie needs to make a movie that doesn’t suck and put him in it.

So while it is far from great, I’d say it was enjoyable enough to rent for a “guy’s night.” You can step in and out of the movie for beer and subsequent bathroom breaks and not miss a beat, of course you could probably watch the movie in Ancient Mesopotamian while consuming said beer and still have no issues. I’m smacking “rental” on this one.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Synopsis: Ron Pearlman is pretty spry for being in his 50's, he and Selma Blair have a spat, eat your heart out Peter Jackson.

There’s a reason Guillermo del Toro is directing The Hobbit and that reason is rampantly apparent in Hellboy II: his mind is inundated by fantasy. He swims in the lore of Scottish trolls, floats with Tolkien’s elves, and even splashes a bit in the pond of Grimm. Hellboy II revels in this high fantasy feel, and unblinkingly thrusts it into modern cityscapes. Bag ladies that eat cats (they’re really trolls) and steampunk devices that let you see things “as they really are” exist side by side with wet asphalt and street lamps. He also has this thing for eyeballs. You’ll understand when you see it.

At first Hellboy feels a bit like Men in Black, complete with a tour of paranormal HQ and what looks like some tentacled thing either giving birth or going through the telophase of mitosis. Soon, however, we take a turn and are introduced to the elves, yes elves, who feel more elven on their worst day than Orlando Bloom ever did in his little yellow wig. All of del Toro’s creature are unique and distinct but they also “feel right.” It is like hearing Beethoven in an opera house as opposed to on the radio or being given a truffle after only eating Hershey’s. Further chocolaty layers are drizzled as the movie continues, with adventures into secret troll markets, some darn impressive and acrobatic fight scenes, and a couple good laughs.

There are unfortunately some moments of movie cliché. These mostly happen during throw away jokes and generally involve some kind of slapstick. The movie is at times genuinely and creatively funny, but there are some Jar Jar Binks moments that make you feel like the film just ran over a possum. It’s brief and crunches, but is smooth driving shortly thereafter.

Seeming to hit his stride with Pan’s Labyrinth, be expecting to see a lot more movies with eyeballs in weird places. I’m putting a must see on this. It is great in the theater and is certainly worth it for his visual effects. However, the story is so well done you could watch it on your cellphone screen and still thoroughly enjoy it. But don’t. You’d miss a lot.

Dark Knight

Synopsis: Joker kills people, lots of things are destroyed, there’s actually TWO villains in this movie.

Ninjas. Who could possibly dislike ninjas? These mythical killers from Eastern culture are ingrained in the skulls of most males as the apogee of awesome. Already at their peak physical and mental level, there is only one way to improve a ninja: give them cool toys. Stick said ninja in Gotham City, and you have Batman.

Writing this review a bit after the movie came out has given me a chance to see critic’s reactions. They make me wonder if they somehow get throwbacks from the studio. Dark Knight is a fantastic movie but it is not The Untouchables or The Godfather as many reviews seem to christen it. It is a ninja in a bat-suit. It’s Batman. Please never make it anything else. I see comic book movies because I like comic book movies, not because I am secretly hoping to see Al Capone in makeup and Eliot Ness dressed as some armored rodent (with wrist blades!).

Heath Ledger is indeed fantastic. I would argue he is one of the best batman villains so far (although it is rather unfair to compare Batman movies, Burton had a very different direction than Nolan). But again, he is what he is, a comic book villain. This isn’t some existential movie about how we “turn on our heroes” or even that heavy laden with morality issues (yes he does have to make some decisions). His joker is a psychopath with a death wish. He doesn’t have any deep motivations. He says he’s like a dog chasing cars: he wouldn’t know what to do with one if he caught it. I do think it would be fair to put Ledger up for a best supporting actor, and perhaps all the hype around Dark Knight will help its being taken seriously when such awards are presented.

Dark Knight is sleek. Its huge budget obviously helps. The pacing is very nice, you spend a lot of time on the edge of your seat but are allowed to relax at the right times and the humorous bits are quite funny. It did well to stay PG-13 as it allowed one to watch in somewhat “safety,” knowing none of the alluded grossness would actually be shown on screen. I would have appreciated more of the choreographed fight scenes from the previous movie: it seems this relied more on glass shattering and people flying around, making his fighting style feel more like a Tasmanian devil or the Hulk than a ninja. This is probably more from my love of old Kung Fu movies however.

So if you like action movies or Batman or Christian Bale or want to see Heath Ledger at his best, Dark Knight is a must see. But if you want Eliot Ness, seek him elsewhere.

It's Happened

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_dark_knight/comments.php?reviewid=1741155

The first bad review. Read on for free entertainment.

Wall-E

Synopsis: Wall-E enjoys cockroaches, Hello Dolly, long walks in a post apocalyptic cityscape.

Pixar. It’s pure gold. Attempting to give a Pixar movie a bad rating would be similar to arguing with Mother Theresa: no one cares if you are right and you probably aren’t. Or perhaps it is more like giving the upcoming Dark Knight a bad review. I mean, someone died. What are you, some kind of soulless animal? (DK is currently at 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. I’m waiting for someone to give it a bad review. There will be blood.).

We should first discuss the obligatory topic of its technical prowess. Yes, it is indeed amazing. This of course is nothing new from Pixar, but Wall-E does really stand out from its predecessors for its CG-ifying. There are several moments during the film were Wall-E is almost tangible. It does help that it is dealing with robots (his girlfriend is sort of a MacBook crossed with a Terminatrix). The humans look as rubbery as ever, but it is arguable that they are supposed to considering the plot.

Some of the characters were stronger than others. Wall-E and Eve were incredibly well done. The humans were a bit less interesting. I really enjoyed the faithful pet cockroach and would have liked to see more of him. This is probably my greatest gripe with the movie. Unlike previous flicks like Toy Story or Monsters Inc which had a very large cast but still managed to develop each character and provide them with satisfactory screen time, Wall-E felt more like a two robot show and it wasn’t from lack of characters. If the entire movie took place on earth and involved only Wall-E, Eve, and his cockroach, I would be fine with that, but there are various humans we meet and even sort of a token antagonist. This is far from a glaring issue, however, and is spurred mostly by the movie being so good that I wish there had been more.

So go for the visuals. Oh and ah over Ben Burt’s mastery of robot sounds. Go for the main characters. Be impressed by the shear immensity of quality this movie exudes.

Unashamedly smacking a “Must see” on this one.

Wanted

Synopsis: James McAvoy suppresses his accent, tells off his Office Spacian boss, becomes a bullet-curving uber assassin.

Oh John Woo and your double-fisted bullet ballets, how your progeny multiply. Firm is your grip on Robert Rodriguez and the Wachowski brothers. Your adrenaline washed bullet-time soaks the action genre from video games to blockbusters. Your reach is far, enough to lure Russian director, Timur Bekmambetov, away (briefly) from his vampire flicks.

And we are grateful.

You can argue its closer kinship to The Matrix rather than Hard Boiled, but Wanted has a very familiar feel despite whatever copulation of films spawned it. McAvoy is certainly not a new character: a slight and pasty cubicle worker who discovers he is actually a god who can make projectiles curve, hop, spin, and perform dance selections from Cats. He’s picked up by a skinny priestess of death with a weird name and informed of his awesomeness. Grueling training ensues, oddly named heroine kinda likes him, and somebody is a traitor.

It’s a sound formula.

So what makes it different? Besides the cast of new comer McAvoy, old comer Jolie (I was surprised to find out she’s still in her thirties), and ancient comer Freeman, the film tosses in a heavier than usual dose of humor. Little messages appear in slow motion moments, rats explode from P.B. ‘n E’s (peanut butter and explosives), and there’s a strange obsession with energy drinks. Combined with the now pretty standard hyper-action, fast cars in intercity chases, and smatterings of clever dialog it paces the film nicely.

There’s even a little bit of a twist.

I would rate Wanted as “in theater.” It is worth the price of admission, probably best viewed on the big screen, and solid fare for John Woo’s table.